Naruto Shoots A Dookie
by SuperAuthorGuy
Summary: Have you ever contemplated gods mysteries, we'll to put it simply, there all in here. Lotsa cussing, kids!


Naruto shoots a dookie: a epinovel

Naruto shoots a dookie

Book 1, chapter 1

The scene opens with a veritable scream of the highest and most vile ordinance. Imagine the scream of that you would hear in the deepest and darkest of Alfred Hitchcock films. Well, this scream had erupted from the fearful disqusted voice of a pour child locked in the confines of a miserable and wholly undelightful village hospital.

"Nyouch," wailed the disgustful Sauerkraut Uchiha. Now to give you some heads up on this unbecoming fellow, you must fully realize and understand the intense hate and displeasure emitting from this ugly vile bitch bag. This supposed child walks with a swagger that emits a sense of coolness, which is fully the opposite of the true nature of this pale, luminous cretin. To describe the atrocity that is this young man is like to describe a horrific orphan-filled bus accident/suicide pact. No, scratch that, it is in fact much more like a horrific orphan-filled bus accident/suicide pact, and all the orphans on the bus were going to pick up there new pet puppys, for the dream of owning these purloined pups was all that kept these young retarded and alcoholic children alive. It is just that grisly.

Well to say the least, this blooper on gods reel was complaining to a doctor about his well deserved pain.

"I finished my urine test, _sir, _but for these last few weeks, I have hade a terrible pain around my scrotum. Its as if the slightest tinkle summons the various gods of pain to launch vehement blasts of various terror spells straight at my willie, and frankly, I'm a little angry."

_You know this is a people hospital right, _says the doctor to himself in his mind. Of course, he know he must treat this weirdo with dignity despite what instinct told him, for this pile of dry flaky puke standing in front of him didn't look like much, but he knew he was a lethal and cunning assassin, or in the words of the ancient Mayans, _halsethninjah, _or commonly shortened as simply, a ninja.

"Well sir, these symptom are usually attributed to the S.T.D. known as HERPES" says the doctor in the spookiest voice he can muster, in a hope to drive away his pale, crude, and ultimately horrifying opponent.

"I can't have been given such a miserable disease, because I'm pro abstinence, for I'm super _cool_" squeals Sauerkraut, attempting to get sympathy. His pleas for help ultimately went unnoticed, making this whole ordeal a fruitless endeavor. Oh, for one micro second, you almost pitied this woeful half-troll, but then you realize how similar this young man was

"Well the tests will confirm this information on Saturday. Thank you sir, I hope you don't" the doctor snickers.

Sauerkraut walks from the hospital with nothing but a weary heart and a throbbing crotch.

It is a beautiful morning, the kind of morning where you can smell the bird singing, and you can hear the moans of all the hard partiers who pounded a few to many alcoholic beverages on the party circuit last night. In turn, a dramatic camera abruptly turns into pragmatic window of a small apartment. Within the dubious, disguised wall, lays a beautiful, golden child, who is simply named Naruto, or in other languages he is simply known as god, or possibly Jehovah, it depends on who you are asking.

Though this child may look like he is simply sleeping on his bed, his face permanently fixated in a sacred yet lambasting grin, be certain that even in these few seconds of utter innocence, this man could easily snap your neck, sleep your wife and bill you for the instant shipping of your death. This holy weapon plays in god's domain, in G major; he cares little or nothing for souls the of lesser beings, a.k.a. human beings, A.K.A. you, you incompetent mongerers. This Naruto character, who allows you, just you to stand before his stunning visage, does not, and I repeat, does not take lightly on insults. He can, and to all horror, use any number of his various murder, explosion, and corruption spells/jutsus on anyone who dares standing, nay, being within a five hundred meters of his way. He is simply that bad ass.

Well to get my narrative back on track, this creature of pure and horrific power had awaken. He then thought up his schedule for this fine morning. _First I need to buy some more booze, and maybe I can pick up some chicks getting it._ Of course, the village Naruto lived in hated his majestic, exhilarating and magnificent guts. They tried using some demon fox excuse to give them selves some slack from the massive guilt they had bullying there lord and savior. Really it was all about money, because having god as your next door neighbor really rose home owner taxes, and don't get me started on how it all ruined the real-estate. They dared not disturb his living there though, for fear of H.P. Lovecraft inspired horrors that could destroy their fragile and childish psyche. The best they could do to attempt at inflicting some form of pain on easily the most powerful force in the universe was to insult Naruto, or throw rocks at him. Of course, his anti-rock/diss force field protected him from all form of Dissage/Rocks, but he still felt the miserable pain of neglect bash across his psyche in infuriating waves. His life was simply a living hell, until he had met his uber-team of home boys/girls.

There was of course his pity friend, Sauerkraut, who despite being a wicked ninja, was had the social grace of a fan-fic writer. Then there was Flower-Child McFlatchest, his main squeeze. But there always Seth Rogen, John Goodman, Scott Turner and his dog Hooch, Captain Falcon, etcetera, etcetera, you know, the usual guys we've all grown to love, but not really remember. You know at this point, I can honestly tell you that the only characters who'll actually figure some importance are Naruto and Liberty Cabbage, so, you know those are the only important characters worth remembring.

Naruto then begins to prepare his breakfast. The universe obviously stressed out that its lord doesn't know why it doesn't just implode itself now; but it digresses, and it gives a loud sigh, acknowledging how Naruto decided that today isn't Armageddon. Naruto then teleports the various fryed meats he just produced on his skillet, saving fourteen dollars and ninety-two cents on the animation budget if Naruto was in fact a cartoon, which he isn't. Just then Naruto hears clanging at his door. Suddenly then, Flower-child and Captain Falcon bust through the door.

"Naruto, this shit just got real" exclaims the green-jump suited Captain Falcon, galloping through the room like a silver pony.

"Your ass won't be real if you don't fix my door" deftly replies our hero. Now the universe shouldn't have sighed so early, cause Naruto was about to lay down the law on this foo. Naruto then cocks his mind shotgun, preparing to take on this so called captain who dares challenge him. Imagine that song "Through the Fire and The Flames" by Dragonforce, as the eyeballs of a glorious gladiator meets with the blue pale eyes of death; a scintillating breeze blows through the room, knocking any weak creature surrounding this area straight out cold.

"Naruto, in life, you have to care for more than just a door" says the internally annoying Flower-Child, sort of like the way your teenage sister sounds when she discovers you just got your first girl friend, and she starts sputtering phrases and syllables, acting cocky and really obnoxious. _I'm close enough, I can rip her tongue out of that mouth, I will seriously do it now, cause this bitch about be served, mother fuckers. _Our playerNaruto readies himself, tensing his body, preparing to launch a blast of pure energy so pure, you'd need Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel to work together to write a soulful musical score worthy of being the theme of such a deathly, hallowed attack. After starting up the hand gestures, he nearly launched his _quadruple fucking S-Level Jutsu _straight at the bitch, but then he calmed down and thought about it a little more._ No tongue means no French kissing, _says our modern day Confucius_. _Naruto knew how to play his cards, he just had to wait a bit longer, and he couldn't fold quite yet.

"I'll let you live now Falcon, but if you keep this shit up, I'll make sure you won't even be a secret character in the next SSB."

"Good, now let's talk. Sauerkraut runs off to find a cure to a mystery disease, and that ho don't what he be trippin into."

"Where would he go to find such an obscure medication?"

"The only place you can find the most incredible incredulous herbs and spices so powerful, it could take out half of the known universe. It is a place I dare not speak of, or even read of, but I guess, I'm going to have to be the big boy here. It is the _village That Hides leaves!_" mystically shouts The Captain.

Naruto austerely replies "where the hell is that, and aren't we the Village hidden in the leaves? I mean don't any of the villages have any fucking originality? Its like 'Hey Sanchez, there's a fucking rock, lets call this village of the fucking rock village', sheesh, now they can't even make semi-original names? If There's a village hidden in the lesbians maybe this isn't so bad after all" chuckles that regular comedian Naruto.

"Naruto, you don't know anything. It isn't the Village hidden in the leaves, but the village that _hides leaves_" says Captain F, expecting some one to give some form of crap for giving some girly trivia no one cares about. Sadly, no crap comes for that silly Bull Cut wearing F-Zero pilot.

"We already have the most popular secondary characters lined up and clamoring to come with us on an adventure all the way to the previously referenced village!" exclaims the president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

As Naruto walked up to the gate of the village, the pathetic characters standing in front of Naruto weren't rising his expectations one bit. The cast members who obviously displayed some form of popularity were either dead, late to the meeting, or just written completely out of the show. _Fuck, first we lose Iruka, and now were slowly losing more and more, _Naruto thought dismally.

"Okay guys, it's me Naruto, A.K.A. god, A.K.A Adonis, you know, the obvious shit. Anyway I know that we got to a save that one guy 'cause I'm losing valuable boosing it up time, so, chop chop. Oh yeah, There's a slight problem though; I can't take all you stock characters with me, cause you know, the author could obviously copy one of archetype to make his own OCs, so you know it's time to vote some one off the island" said Naruto, apparently trying to break the ice with a witty little pop culture joke, only to get less then desirable results. The secondary characters were in a feeding frenzy, except Lazy Skinny guy, of course. _We could finally get some screen time_, they all dream during the ensuing battle. Or may be even better, _we could get some _ _character development_.

"I get to go" shouts secondary love interest.

"No, I do" shouts John Goodman while munching on some chips.

"This is so lame" says Skinny White Boy.

"Hey, I have an adorable animal we can market plushies with" Turner argues

"Everyone shut up, do all of you fuckers want to stay behind. No; well good. Bulimic-Lazy guy, your character has some what good character development, but then again your unenthusiastic. I guess Ill just bring Turner and Second female character. Maybe Tenten could come to….. oh god I'm funny. Her character is about as developed as Duke Nukem Forever" Says Naruto, bleakly attempting a clichéd and obscure video game culture reference which falls flat and makes everyone feel really awkward and stupid. A lot like the way this chapter ends.


End file.
